A few years ago I read a big biography of Laura Ingalls Wilder and something that stuck with me was there was a condition in the prairie when the Ingalls were living in North Dakota called going “shack-wacky” which was when a mother effectively went insane from being isolated with her children during long blizzards and trying to protect them from all the ways they could die (exposure, illness, falling in the fire, etc). Whenever I feel my own Prairie Woman of Shame I try to remember this! They were only human too!
I think as time goes on, the mental health of people in the past (and especially of women) tends to get pushed down. One interesting thing that I learned this year was about the strong connection between legalization of no-fault divorce in states and the drop in their female suicide rates (https://www.nber.org/digest/mar04/divorce-laws-and-family-violence). Instagram makes it really easily to create a life that smooths over the dark parts of the past in favor of an aesthetically traditional life that looks shiny. But I wish we talked more what those roles did to some women as part of reemphasizing that there's no "correct" way to do it.
Hah! When my family listened to the little house on the prairie series on audio few years, my husband was kind of distressed that our kids weren’t as well behaved/obedient/do as many household chores as Laura and her sisters in these books ... but I had to remind them that they are stories that, while containing truth, do not capture the entirety of their lives! These people lived in a certain time and place that is in many ways very different from ours, and also Laura is creating these stories to be interesting and also maybe project an image or impart values to the reader. So while it can be useful to take a step back and see if there’s a chance we want to make in our parenting, we shouldn’t beat ourselves up for not measuring up to mostly fictional characters.
I thought of the big biography of Laura Ingalls Wilder, too! Apparently, later in life, even Laura felt guilty for not doing as much as her mother and mother-in-law. Comparison, as they say, is a thief of joy!
I think I'm fortunate in that I really never feel affected by other mother's opinions or IG feeds or whatever haha. But I DO totally understand the Prairie Woman of Shame because I have a Martyr Woman of Shame. If I'm not literally in a dark, damp dungeon awaiting being burnt at the stake or mauled by wild animals.... what right do I have to say I'm "having a hard time???" Who cares if I'm pregnant with baby #8, so nauseous I can hardly lift my head off the couch, and my husband's about to lose his job? I have a dishwasher and a refrigerator, for goodness sake, how dare I complain??
I try to use it as a reminder to be genuinely grateful for things like my kitchen appliances (and freedom lol) and be gentle with myself about not *literally being martyred right now*.
I am reading this sort of stunned because you have described my EXACT experience as a mother who works from home and, honestly, loves the idea of trying to be a more traditional homemaker alongside my work. The absolute shame I have heaped on myself time and again for not living up to a 19th century standard of womanhood is actually hilarious at this point. Thank you for writing this and giving us all a name to call the nonsense!
What’s funny is that I follow(ed) a lot of these accounts *because* I appreciated the idea of traditional homemaking. I want a career AND I want to bake bread AND I want precious read alouds AND I want date nights. But so many “influencers” don’t want me to have both, and I’m honestly curious as to why.
I have been saying this for YEARS. For once, I would love someone to teach me how to clean my house better and meal plan without the toxic misogyny BS.
I don't need to learn to manage my house better because I'm a wife. I want to learn how to manage my house better because that's a skill every able-bodied adult should learn. I've honestly found secular cleaning/cooking/decorating accounts that give step-by-step instructions to be so much more helpful than Catholic or Christian ones trying to push an agenda.
Yes! I think there's connections between this and last week's newsletter on the Duggar family and IBLP. Someone is trying to "sell" one way of being as the only path to holiness/a happy marriage/loved kids.
And where does that desire come from, I wonder? Is it an insecurity? Or genuine fear for families? It's hard to tell and I'm not sure the intention even matters but it's interesting to think about.
That's such an interesting question. And I think it's hard to parse, because with social media the idea is generally that you are building some sort of influence, and that when you're sharing things like what's being discussed here, it's because you want people to live the same way. So what kind of thought needs to be given to the impact of that?
Agreed! I don't even have kids, so I feel super guilty that I don't bake my own bread, and that I buy protein bars, and that my house isn't more decorated, organized. etc. Like everyone is saying...I like gardening and canning and baking, but I also am proud of myself for my career and my education and I relish buying prepared foods at Trader Joe's and spending time by myself (and I know I'm very lucky to live a life where I get both!).
Amen! So many ways to be a great mom - and a “good enough” mom is actually the best thing psychologically, right? Just read The Power of Discord - learning that Mom leaves and comes back is part of healthy attachment after all. I know great moms across the spectrum of career-driven with stay at home husbands or local grandmas or Nannies to moms without paid employment who often invest in their communities in other ways as the kids grow up. I also know people who have trouble identifying and living out their values and priorities. I seem to get a bit out of whack with each transition as I try to recalibrate things. What an adventure we are on!
In such a polarized society & (compared historically) isolated family life, we're susceptible to social media's Find Your Tribe extremes. If I tried to follow my Instagram footprint to its algorithmic conclusions, it would lead me to accounts that don't reflect me at all. Because of course my beliefs, political leanings, interests, & life as a mother/ worker/ neighbor etc don't fit in a box. The problem is that I have to remind myself of this reality, because the pull to belong would make extremists of us in the current climate. Thanks for sharing your Prairie Woman of Shame with us, Claire!
A few years ago I read a big biography of Laura Ingalls Wilder and something that stuck with me was there was a condition in the prairie when the Ingalls were living in North Dakota called going “shack-wacky” which was when a mother effectively went insane from being isolated with her children during long blizzards and trying to protect them from all the ways they could die (exposure, illness, falling in the fire, etc). Whenever I feel my own Prairie Woman of Shame I try to remember this! They were only human too!
That is really interesting!
I think as time goes on, the mental health of people in the past (and especially of women) tends to get pushed down. One interesting thing that I learned this year was about the strong connection between legalization of no-fault divorce in states and the drop in their female suicide rates (https://www.nber.org/digest/mar04/divorce-laws-and-family-violence). Instagram makes it really easily to create a life that smooths over the dark parts of the past in favor of an aesthetically traditional life that looks shiny. But I wish we talked more what those roles did to some women as part of reemphasizing that there's no "correct" way to do it.
Hah! When my family listened to the little house on the prairie series on audio few years, my husband was kind of distressed that our kids weren’t as well behaved/obedient/do as many household chores as Laura and her sisters in these books ... but I had to remind them that they are stories that, while containing truth, do not capture the entirety of their lives! These people lived in a certain time and place that is in many ways very different from ours, and also Laura is creating these stories to be interesting and also maybe project an image or impart values to the reader. So while it can be useful to take a step back and see if there’s a chance we want to make in our parenting, we shouldn’t beat ourselves up for not measuring up to mostly fictional characters.
I thought of the big biography of Laura Ingalls Wilder, too! Apparently, later in life, even Laura felt guilty for not doing as much as her mother and mother-in-law. Comparison, as they say, is a thief of joy!
I think I'm fortunate in that I really never feel affected by other mother's opinions or IG feeds or whatever haha. But I DO totally understand the Prairie Woman of Shame because I have a Martyr Woman of Shame. If I'm not literally in a dark, damp dungeon awaiting being burnt at the stake or mauled by wild animals.... what right do I have to say I'm "having a hard time???" Who cares if I'm pregnant with baby #8, so nauseous I can hardly lift my head off the couch, and my husband's about to lose his job? I have a dishwasher and a refrigerator, for goodness sake, how dare I complain??
I try to use it as a reminder to be genuinely grateful for things like my kitchen appliances (and freedom lol) and be gentle with myself about not *literally being martyred right now*.
I am reading this sort of stunned because you have described my EXACT experience as a mother who works from home and, honestly, loves the idea of trying to be a more traditional homemaker alongside my work. The absolute shame I have heaped on myself time and again for not living up to a 19th century standard of womanhood is actually hilarious at this point. Thank you for writing this and giving us all a name to call the nonsense!
What’s funny is that I follow(ed) a lot of these accounts *because* I appreciated the idea of traditional homemaking. I want a career AND I want to bake bread AND I want precious read alouds AND I want date nights. But so many “influencers” don’t want me to have both, and I’m honestly curious as to why.
I have been saying this for YEARS. For once, I would love someone to teach me how to clean my house better and meal plan without the toxic misogyny BS.
I don't need to learn to manage my house better because I'm a wife. I want to learn how to manage my house better because that's a skill every able-bodied adult should learn. I've honestly found secular cleaning/cooking/decorating accounts that give step-by-step instructions to be so much more helpful than Catholic or Christian ones trying to push an agenda.
Do you follow gocleanco?! They’re my favorite!
Turns out I do, but I haven't seen their posts for a while. Thanks, algorithm.
Thanks for reintroducing me to them, Claire! :)
I haven't read it yet, but I want to check out the book "How to Keep House While Drowning". I've heard it's great!
Oooh, just added it on Goodreads! Thanks Katie!
Your last line here is *chef’s kiss*
I would suppose because it hurts the brand. Nuance is for thinkers, not followers and consumers.
Yes! I think there's connections between this and last week's newsletter on the Duggar family and IBLP. Someone is trying to "sell" one way of being as the only path to holiness/a happy marriage/loved kids.
And where does that desire come from, I wonder? Is it an insecurity? Or genuine fear for families? It's hard to tell and I'm not sure the intention even matters but it's interesting to think about.
That's such an interesting question. And I think it's hard to parse, because with social media the idea is generally that you are building some sort of influence, and that when you're sharing things like what's being discussed here, it's because you want people to live the same way. So what kind of thought needs to be given to the impact of that?
Agreed! I don't even have kids, so I feel super guilty that I don't bake my own bread, and that I buy protein bars, and that my house isn't more decorated, organized. etc. Like everyone is saying...I like gardening and canning and baking, but I also am proud of myself for my career and my education and I relish buying prepared foods at Trader Joe's and spending time by myself (and I know I'm very lucky to live a life where I get both!).
Yes! Same here. And I think 19th century mothers would kick us if they could. What I imagine they would have given to be in our position.
Amen! So many ways to be a great mom - and a “good enough” mom is actually the best thing psychologically, right? Just read The Power of Discord - learning that Mom leaves and comes back is part of healthy attachment after all. I know great moms across the spectrum of career-driven with stay at home husbands or local grandmas or Nannies to moms without paid employment who often invest in their communities in other ways as the kids grow up. I also know people who have trouble identifying and living out their values and priorities. I seem to get a bit out of whack with each transition as I try to recalibrate things. What an adventure we are on!
In such a polarized society & (compared historically) isolated family life, we're susceptible to social media's Find Your Tribe extremes. If I tried to follow my Instagram footprint to its algorithmic conclusions, it would lead me to accounts that don't reflect me at all. Because of course my beliefs, political leanings, interests, & life as a mother/ worker/ neighbor etc don't fit in a box. The problem is that I have to remind myself of this reality, because the pull to belong would make extremists of us in the current climate. Thanks for sharing your Prairie Woman of Shame with us, Claire!