The Tradwives + Feminists Are Talking Past Each Other
what can we learn from one another?
Once upon a time, way back in my college days, I took a political communications class. Our 22-year-old TA said a lot of stupid things but did give one line of sage advice. He would always make us articulate the person we were arguing with’s position the way they would do it. If you can’t state what they’re trying to say in a way they would agree with, he explained, how could you ever understand them? And if you can’t understand someone, how can you intelligently argue with them?
It seems to me that our current clash over tradwifery and modern feminism really encompasses this problem. I was trying to figure out why I was so bored with the current tradwife conversations and I think that might be the culprit. We’re not having an argument. We’re hauling ourselves onto two soapboxes that aren’t really addressing the other’s concerns. I got into an argument with someone the other day where I paused what they were saying and said, “I’m sorry, do you want to have a conversation or do you want to talk at me?” Those are not the same thing, and the latter is what modern feminists and tradwives1 are doing. Talking AT each other.
Because people are afraid.
That’s what all of this is about. I hesitate to slip in a duh, but it’s so painfully obvious that I can’t believe I'm having to type this out. It’s about one “team’s” fears and the other “team’s” fears colliding, and everyone trying to bully each other into emotional safety, which never works.
You can argue if those fears are just, or valid, or make sense. You can make them into memes. You can throw your hands up with an entire swath of society and move to a deserted island (or midwestern subdivision) where pretty much everyone agrees with you. Or you can try to understand them, put them into perspective, and then calmly explain your position. The problem, of course, is that that doesn’t make you any money or get you book deals. If I sound cynical, it’s because I’ve now been writing on the internet for well over a decade. I know how this game is played, and if I wanted to slay at it, I absolutely could. But that’s harmful. It harms my soul, and it harms society.
The following are generalizations but it’s incredibly difficult to have a conversation without some generalizations, so forgive me and pray for me if you feel I’ve misrepresented things.
What the #tradwives are afraid of:
The tradwives of good faith2 are afraid of the dissolution of the nuclear family and what that will entail. They’re afraid that we’re losing beloved traditions—traditions that make us human, like the sacramentality of care for the home and the importance of motherhood. They’re afraid that we’re listening and forfeiting freedoms to government institutions that have proved untrustworthy in small and large ways, and they’re longing for their children to grow up in a world where it’s easier to be holy because their virtue and innocence are protected and the church is the center of their lives. They believe they’ve found a really beautiful way to live and think if everyone embraced it, society would drastically improve.
What the modern feminists are afraid of:
The modern feminists of good faith3 are afraid of a loss of rights. They’re terrified that there’s a mass movement of people looking to keep women in the home, when they desperately want to find cures for cancer and help end human rights violations and straighten kids’ teeth and all kinds of things. They feel like they’re constantly told they aren’t “woman enough” just because they can’t play Chutes and Ladders for eight hours a day, and like they’re told they’re bad moms just because they pay trained, smart, kind people to help care for their children. They’re afraid of losing any semblance of who they are, and being shoved into the Mom Box while being stripped of all joy, passions, or intellect to fit some stereotype that’s never really existed. They’re worn out, and aggravated that really pretty moms online with children in linen jumpsuits are telling them to do more, more, more.
Despite the obvious differences between ideologies, there’s plenty of overlap in the behavior of these two groups.
For example: