"I am starving for nitty-gritty conversations, authenticity, and vulnerability." *raises hand* This is me. I don't fit in. I'm a cradle Catholic who is slowly reckoning with the real, substantive damage that has been done to my faith over the years of being told that I'm not a real Catholic. It hurts SO MUCH. And it's such a long process because it turns out a very misguided desire (gain the approval of people who seem to know a lot more than me) has brought some really, really good things into my life. I'm a better mother because of some of the things I learned from reading Catholic mom blogs. I pray Night Prayer because someone I admired and respected had a breviary in her house, so I bought a book and taught myself how to use one too. I homeschooled my children through COVID because I had been reading the blogs of homeschoolers for years and I figured I could give it a try. But COVID also showed me that, despite years of going to the Bible studies and volunteering at the women's retreats and buying the ministry books and bringing the meals, I'm just as alone in my faith as I've ever been. My parish is huge, so even though we are weekly attendees no one really knows us. Our kids don't go to the parish school so we have no community there. Social media is a near occasion of sin for me, so I'm not on any of the platforms. And (here's the worst part) I can't talk to anyone about this. It feels like every space I enter looking for friendship and community, everyone already has all their friends, or I'm too liberal, or too conservative, or maybe the pain shows up too clearly and I'm coming off too messy or too needy. I've pulled back from every place I've tried in the past and I'm trying to start afresh; weekly Mass, daily prayer, a few small steps towards making new friends, but mostly just learning to live with the loneliness.
I used to work as a peer minister for a Newman Center at a fairly large university. We had lots of programming, but nothing specifically for women. (The fellas had Knights, as well as a few other bonding events.) So a few other members and I started what we called the St. Monica Sisterhood. Our idea was that we would do two events per month - one focused on fellowship, and one focused on service. Sounds basic, right?
The backlash was IMMEDIATE. We had potential members, who attended Mass with us, say that if we were going to do any pro-life service events then they wouldn't associate with us. We had one person quit because our first service event wasn't specifically pro-life (we sorted clothes/supplies at a women's shelter.) One person thought our fellowship was too irreverent. (We had a local youth minister give a talk about evangelization and then had pizza.) I already had a bit of a reputation as the token liberal of our Church, so that turned more a few people off as well. (Rightly or wrongly, their definition of liberal was my wearing leggings and helping host an welcome event for LGBTQ Catholics to feel at home in our Church.)
All we wanted to do was get together, talk about Jesus, talk about our specific relationship to Him and to our Church as women, and maybe help some people sometimes. We ended up with a small core group of about 6-10 ladies, which was lovely. But I wanted the people who weren't pro-life. I wanted the people who thought I shouldn't wear leggings. I wanted all women who felt like they needed community with other women to feel welcome. There were just so many tears shed over this group, that I honestly thought would be a homerun.
Obviously this is a bit different than a conference, but I certainly felt like the ugly dinosaur. Either I was holier-than-thou or a cafeteria Catholic, neither of which was acceptable.
Part of the message I took from this is we often think others are beautiful unicorns and we aren’t, when the reality is that probably everyone is feeling like an awkward dragon in some way. And maybe some of what others say that we find so alienating is just their attempt to fit in by saying what they think others want to hear or projecting an image.
I'm not an orthodox Catholic, and I have thought a lot about these issues the past year, mainly why I find these labels so frustrating. I don't identify with the American pro-life movement at this point in my life. I used to, but I am increasingly concerned about the extremism in it. Do I think abortion is murder? Yes, I do. But where the current pro-life movement concerns me, I believe there is misogyny and hatred in many pockets of it, so much so I don't want to call myself pro-life right now. I voted for Biden because I think issues like racial equity, climate change, health care, and labor are critical from an American political perspective and a Catholic one. I think there needs to be more honest and open conversations around family planning and why people do or don't opt for NFP and/or other forms of birth control. (FWIW, I encourage others to look up the Women in Theology blog series from a few years ago on this topic; that changed my heart a lot on these issues.) We need to consider that LBGTQ Catholics do exist, and matter, as well as non-Catholic LBGTQ people who are marginalized in society and still face hate from places like their very own families. And...do I have to be "orthodox" for my opinions to matter? Why or why not?
Mmmm. It's definitely not that your opinions don't *matter* if you're not orthodox. You're a human so you matter! :) But it does make having our conversations different. Because if someone believes that the church's teachings aren't necessarily true (I'm guessing that's what you mean by not being orthodox? Correct me if I'm wrong!) then you're having a completely different conversation. You may have different goals--like, mine might be for everyone to get to Heaven, someone else's might be for everyone to feel happy, someone else's might be for everyone to be physically safe, and then you're having a conversation where the goal isn't the same. So it's just different! Does that make sense?
I find your point about non-Catholic LGBTQ people being marginalized in society really interesting, because while that's definitely true (especially for particular areas of the country, in particular families, in particular parishes FOR SURE, etc.) it feels as if LGBTQ people have made major, major strides. If you think of big tech, academia, major corporations--they're pretty much all celebrating during pride week, you know? Vs. the LGBTQ Catholics I know who are living out what the church would consider an orthodox lifestyle, who feel marginalized in society AND the church. It's so tricky. Gah.
I agree that my goal is to live a virtuous life and get to Heaven. And yes, I do think the teaching of the Church are "true," so maybe I am more orthodox in that respect. On the other hand, I was thinking more about superficial things (i.e., styles of churches; vestments -- which isn't a good marker I see now!) I think that people's lives and experiences vary, and only God makes the final judgments. Not me, not any other human on earth. Like I can tell someone that the Real Presence is, well...Real, and that is, in fact, what the Church teaches, but I can't force their brain to switch and believe so. I don't control their mind, and I'm not going to take uncharitable actions to do so. I can invite a lapsed Catholic to come to Mass, but I can't physically shove them into the car to come. That's what I meant.
And I do agree that making everyone happy is not a good goalpost for anything; I've definitely been in situations (mainly interpersonal) where people have that. It's frustrating, and I think we should always aim to do right (my mom taught me that!)
P.S.: I'm glad you recommended God Spare the Girls! I read that earlier this summer, and it was excellent; probably one of my favorites for the year.
The article really really spoke to my heart. I am currently developing my Master's practicum around this very issue - creating a space for young Catholic women to come together to build community and be present to Truth, while also navigating how hard the world makes it to be ourselves. Thank you sooo much Claire.
Claire, Every time I read one of your letters, I just stop and think "Dang, this girl reads my mind". I appreciate your honesty and authenticity so much!
I'm a nurse in a Pediatric hospital. And I'm a Catholic. And I have been going back and forth and feeling stuck back and forth regarding the vaccine and how we should 'act' and 'think'. I have felt guilty about seeing friends and family for COVID reasons, but also need to see them for my mental health. I'm a social person and I feel I'm responsible too. I don't want my patient sick. I don't want my grandparents sick. What do we do?
Claire, I want my book, Women in Conversation, on your bookstand. RENEW International just published it, and it's exactly the kind of frank, open catalyst for small groups you are looking for. Even tho it has flowers and a coffee cup on the cover! Food, friendship, forgiveness, sexuality, tears and renewal--topics of interest to all women are included. Let me know what you think. And I LOVE lemon bars.
"I am starving for nitty-gritty conversations, authenticity, and vulnerability." *raises hand* This is me. I don't fit in. I'm a cradle Catholic who is slowly reckoning with the real, substantive damage that has been done to my faith over the years of being told that I'm not a real Catholic. It hurts SO MUCH. And it's such a long process because it turns out a very misguided desire (gain the approval of people who seem to know a lot more than me) has brought some really, really good things into my life. I'm a better mother because of some of the things I learned from reading Catholic mom blogs. I pray Night Prayer because someone I admired and respected had a breviary in her house, so I bought a book and taught myself how to use one too. I homeschooled my children through COVID because I had been reading the blogs of homeschoolers for years and I figured I could give it a try. But COVID also showed me that, despite years of going to the Bible studies and volunteering at the women's retreats and buying the ministry books and bringing the meals, I'm just as alone in my faith as I've ever been. My parish is huge, so even though we are weekly attendees no one really knows us. Our kids don't go to the parish school so we have no community there. Social media is a near occasion of sin for me, so I'm not on any of the platforms. And (here's the worst part) I can't talk to anyone about this. It feels like every space I enter looking for friendship and community, everyone already has all their friends, or I'm too liberal, or too conservative, or maybe the pain shows up too clearly and I'm coming off too messy or too needy. I've pulled back from every place I've tried in the past and I'm trying to start afresh; weekly Mass, daily prayer, a few small steps towards making new friends, but mostly just learning to live with the loneliness.
Oof. This hit me hard.
I used to work as a peer minister for a Newman Center at a fairly large university. We had lots of programming, but nothing specifically for women. (The fellas had Knights, as well as a few other bonding events.) So a few other members and I started what we called the St. Monica Sisterhood. Our idea was that we would do two events per month - one focused on fellowship, and one focused on service. Sounds basic, right?
The backlash was IMMEDIATE. We had potential members, who attended Mass with us, say that if we were going to do any pro-life service events then they wouldn't associate with us. We had one person quit because our first service event wasn't specifically pro-life (we sorted clothes/supplies at a women's shelter.) One person thought our fellowship was too irreverent. (We had a local youth minister give a talk about evangelization and then had pizza.) I already had a bit of a reputation as the token liberal of our Church, so that turned more a few people off as well. (Rightly or wrongly, their definition of liberal was my wearing leggings and helping host an welcome event for LGBTQ Catholics to feel at home in our Church.)
All we wanted to do was get together, talk about Jesus, talk about our specific relationship to Him and to our Church as women, and maybe help some people sometimes. We ended up with a small core group of about 6-10 ladies, which was lovely. But I wanted the people who weren't pro-life. I wanted the people who thought I shouldn't wear leggings. I wanted all women who felt like they needed community with other women to feel welcome. There were just so many tears shed over this group, that I honestly thought would be a homerun.
Obviously this is a bit different than a conference, but I certainly felt like the ugly dinosaur. Either I was holier-than-thou or a cafeteria Catholic, neither of which was acceptable.
Part of the message I took from this is we often think others are beautiful unicorns and we aren’t, when the reality is that probably everyone is feeling like an awkward dragon in some way. And maybe some of what others say that we find so alienating is just their attempt to fit in by saying what they think others want to hear or projecting an image.
Suuuuuuuch a good point. We're all the dinosaurs.
I'm not an orthodox Catholic, and I have thought a lot about these issues the past year, mainly why I find these labels so frustrating. I don't identify with the American pro-life movement at this point in my life. I used to, but I am increasingly concerned about the extremism in it. Do I think abortion is murder? Yes, I do. But where the current pro-life movement concerns me, I believe there is misogyny and hatred in many pockets of it, so much so I don't want to call myself pro-life right now. I voted for Biden because I think issues like racial equity, climate change, health care, and labor are critical from an American political perspective and a Catholic one. I think there needs to be more honest and open conversations around family planning and why people do or don't opt for NFP and/or other forms of birth control. (FWIW, I encourage others to look up the Women in Theology blog series from a few years ago on this topic; that changed my heart a lot on these issues.) We need to consider that LBGTQ Catholics do exist, and matter, as well as non-Catholic LBGTQ people who are marginalized in society and still face hate from places like their very own families. And...do I have to be "orthodox" for my opinions to matter? Why or why not?
Mmmm. It's definitely not that your opinions don't *matter* if you're not orthodox. You're a human so you matter! :) But it does make having our conversations different. Because if someone believes that the church's teachings aren't necessarily true (I'm guessing that's what you mean by not being orthodox? Correct me if I'm wrong!) then you're having a completely different conversation. You may have different goals--like, mine might be for everyone to get to Heaven, someone else's might be for everyone to feel happy, someone else's might be for everyone to be physically safe, and then you're having a conversation where the goal isn't the same. So it's just different! Does that make sense?
I find your point about non-Catholic LGBTQ people being marginalized in society really interesting, because while that's definitely true (especially for particular areas of the country, in particular families, in particular parishes FOR SURE, etc.) it feels as if LGBTQ people have made major, major strides. If you think of big tech, academia, major corporations--they're pretty much all celebrating during pride week, you know? Vs. the LGBTQ Catholics I know who are living out what the church would consider an orthodox lifestyle, who feel marginalized in society AND the church. It's so tricky. Gah.
I agree that my goal is to live a virtuous life and get to Heaven. And yes, I do think the teaching of the Church are "true," so maybe I am more orthodox in that respect. On the other hand, I was thinking more about superficial things (i.e., styles of churches; vestments -- which isn't a good marker I see now!) I think that people's lives and experiences vary, and only God makes the final judgments. Not me, not any other human on earth. Like I can tell someone that the Real Presence is, well...Real, and that is, in fact, what the Church teaches, but I can't force their brain to switch and believe so. I don't control their mind, and I'm not going to take uncharitable actions to do so. I can invite a lapsed Catholic to come to Mass, but I can't physically shove them into the car to come. That's what I meant.
And I do agree that making everyone happy is not a good goalpost for anything; I've definitely been in situations (mainly interpersonal) where people have that. It's frustrating, and I think we should always aim to do right (my mom taught me that!)
P.S.: I'm glad you recommended God Spare the Girls! I read that earlier this summer, and it was excellent; probably one of my favorites for the year.
The article really really spoke to my heart. I am currently developing my Master's practicum around this very issue - creating a space for young Catholic women to come together to build community and be present to Truth, while also navigating how hard the world makes it to be ourselves. Thank you sooo much Claire.
I'm so glad, Corinne!
Claire, Every time I read one of your letters, I just stop and think "Dang, this girl reads my mind". I appreciate your honesty and authenticity so much!
I'm a nurse in a Pediatric hospital. And I'm a Catholic. And I have been going back and forth and feeling stuck back and forth regarding the vaccine and how we should 'act' and 'think'. I have felt guilty about seeing friends and family for COVID reasons, but also need to see them for my mental health. I'm a social person and I feel I'm responsible too. I don't want my patient sick. I don't want my grandparents sick. What do we do?
I hear you. I love this. Thank you!
Thank you so much for writing this. It was what I needed to read. From a fellow Claire in Wisconsin :)
Claire, I want my book, Women in Conversation, on your bookstand. RENEW International just published it, and it's exactly the kind of frank, open catalyst for small groups you are looking for. Even tho it has flowers and a coffee cup on the cover! Food, friendship, forgiveness, sexuality, tears and renewal--topics of interest to all women are included. Let me know what you think. And I LOVE lemon bars.