You raise really great points. This is related to some of the research I do, so I'll add a few things:
1. The financial control that abusers exercise over those they abuse is a major barrier to women leaving. Depending on where you live, it is easier to receive government assistance if you are leaving on abusive situation, but that comes with a whole host of hoops to jump through.
2. Women's shelters are often over capacity, many of them have limits on how long a woman can stay, and there are often restrictions on whether a woman can bring her children. And this might sound trivial to some, but very few shelters allow survivors to bring their pets, and that matters to a lot of people.
3. It's also worth noting that these troubling, abusive behaviors often begin while dating. I've seen it quite a few times in the relationships my students describe.
Your article is informative and raises some good points. I remember when I was discerning whether to end my 15 or marriage over the abuse. It was heart-wrenching and difficult. Although I am almost 4 years divorced there are moments I'm not free, I'm still living with the scars. Asking where is God and why am I stuck in this bad movie script watching everyone live their life.
It's not an easy decision and abuse is difficult to measure when you're making that choice.
I agree with all of this. I’ll add that Nicole Brown Simpson did leave him-- they were divorced-- and he continued to stalk and abuse her. Often the time after leaving can be the most dangerous. I recommend Susan Brewster’s book “Helping her get free: a guide for families and friends of abused women,” for anyone who wants to understand more about what is helpful and what isn’t when trying to help someone in an abusive relationship.
I am really flummoxed that discussions about not abusing your partner aren’t a bigger part of Catholic community dialogues. I hear priests preach about the evils of transgender issues all the time (which is a really small percentage of our population), but have never heard a sermon discussing domestic violence, which effects a much larger number of our communities. Youth group relationship/purity education should also say, unequivocally, that controlling or using verbal, physical, and sexual threats is not pro-life or Christ- like.
I love the nuance you brought to this and in your book. It’s so much harder and complicated than statistics. Thank you.
It’s also way more dangerous at times when she does leave…
Having done the leaving oddly earlier than most( after two attempts with an infant) it was often way scarier for two years after than what I went through in it.
This is really good and concise, Claire. Too much of this hits very close to home for me and I resonate with all of it. (To be clear, not my current home.)
This calls to mind the discourse about Anna Duggar, who, to my knowledge, has not divorced her husband. There was so much commentary at the time about her failure to leave, including people saying she was WORSE than he is (really? She is WORSE than a known child sexual predator who attacked his own sisters and watched the most awful child abuse materials imaginable)?
It is true that women have a responsibility to their children first and foremost, and that they must protect their children as much as they can. But as you pointed out, what if leaving means they would be homeless? What if it means they can never see their entire extended family again? What if their mother was raised in an abusive environment where girls are deprived of an education? And why do we focus so much on the failures of mothers in situations like these, when the entire situation is due to catastrophic failures of a father?
I wish there was more dialogue about how we can protect our daughters from Anna Duggar’s situation, including conversations about how dangerous it is to limit girls’ education.
Also, I wanted to mention that if victims of domestic violence need legal assistance and can’t afford it, most law schools offer free, confidential clinics, including many schools that specifically offer programs for domestic violence victims.
Thank you for writing about this topic Claire! You hit the "nail on the head" by showing how complex making the decision to leave an abusive marriage is. Sadly, women can also be blamed for the abuse...shamed and shunned. Being in an abusive marriage can really mess with your rational brain as well as your soul. Statistics show that up to 30% of women have experienced at least one incident of intimate partner violence in her lifetime. There is no socio-economic status, ethnic background or religion that is not affected. I would like to see this topic addressed more regularly in the Catholic church and am currently working to try to make a tiny difference in my parish. There is information out there. It just isn't widely shared, and I find that few leaders want to address it, which is very frustrating. This issue is not new. It has been a problem for the history of humanity. Why so much silence? I did a little bit of math using a low-end percentage (20%) and found that just in my diocese population, there are most likely around 19,000 Catholic women experiencing intimate partner violence! I get very fired up about this because of my personal experience of reaching out for help from local parishes and receiving little to none. It is soul-killing, and I almost left the Catholic church because of it. Maybe I'm extreme, but the thought of other women losing their God-given identity and dignity because there is no one to walk with them in this darkness totally breaks my heart...and honestly, can really make me mad.
I want to share some things I have found. I hope it's okay. Maybe they will help someone. May God continue to bless you, your mind and pen. ~Kim
https://paxinfamilia.org/ (I am currently taking this training online. It is excellent! I've learned so much, especially that Pope Francis really does talk about the IPV issue and openly condemns it.)
My great-aunt shared her experience of leaving a physically abusive marriage when she was younger. She had the opinion that "if he hits you and you don't leave, that's your fault." It hurt my heart to hear her say that, but I didn't want to "um, actually...." a woman who was a domestic abuse survivor. The info in this article lays out that it's often not that easy.
Many people who are abusive are born with either no conscience or an impaired conscience, and no amount of parental discipline or religious upbringing will give them a conscience. With no conscience there are no brakes on behavior. Having no conscience runs in families. See more about people with no consciences at my website Catholicsojourn.org.
If a woman is in an abusive relationship, she should consult with professional counselors trained specifically for survivor assistance. There often needs to be very careful planning over time to prepare for a safe exit. Leaving is a huge threat to the power structure and puts the one leaving at great risk. Those of us on the sidelines might think "just get her out now" is the knee jerk response when we see abuse. Wisdom, prudence and knowledgeable assistance are primary to SAFELY help her and not put her at greater harm.
You raise really great points. This is related to some of the research I do, so I'll add a few things:
1. The financial control that abusers exercise over those they abuse is a major barrier to women leaving. Depending on where you live, it is easier to receive government assistance if you are leaving on abusive situation, but that comes with a whole host of hoops to jump through.
2. Women's shelters are often over capacity, many of them have limits on how long a woman can stay, and there are often restrictions on whether a woman can bring her children. And this might sound trivial to some, but very few shelters allow survivors to bring their pets, and that matters to a lot of people.
3. It's also worth noting that these troubling, abusive behaviors often begin while dating. I've seen it quite a few times in the relationships my students describe.
Your article is informative and raises some good points. I remember when I was discerning whether to end my 15 or marriage over the abuse. It was heart-wrenching and difficult. Although I am almost 4 years divorced there are moments I'm not free, I'm still living with the scars. Asking where is God and why am I stuck in this bad movie script watching everyone live their life.
It's not an easy decision and abuse is difficult to measure when you're making that choice.
I agree with all of this. I’ll add that Nicole Brown Simpson did leave him-- they were divorced-- and he continued to stalk and abuse her. Often the time after leaving can be the most dangerous. I recommend Susan Brewster’s book “Helping her get free: a guide for families and friends of abused women,” for anyone who wants to understand more about what is helpful and what isn’t when trying to help someone in an abusive relationship.
I am really flummoxed that discussions about not abusing your partner aren’t a bigger part of Catholic community dialogues. I hear priests preach about the evils of transgender issues all the time (which is a really small percentage of our population), but have never heard a sermon discussing domestic violence, which effects a much larger number of our communities. Youth group relationship/purity education should also say, unequivocally, that controlling or using verbal, physical, and sexual threats is not pro-life or Christ- like.
I love the nuance you brought to this and in your book. It’s so much harder and complicated than statistics. Thank you.
It’s also way more dangerous at times when she does leave…
Having done the leaving oddly earlier than most( after two attempts with an infant) it was often way scarier for two years after than what I went through in it.
This is really good and concise, Claire. Too much of this hits very close to home for me and I resonate with all of it. (To be clear, not my current home.)
This calls to mind the discourse about Anna Duggar, who, to my knowledge, has not divorced her husband. There was so much commentary at the time about her failure to leave, including people saying she was WORSE than he is (really? She is WORSE than a known child sexual predator who attacked his own sisters and watched the most awful child abuse materials imaginable)?
It is true that women have a responsibility to their children first and foremost, and that they must protect their children as much as they can. But as you pointed out, what if leaving means they would be homeless? What if it means they can never see their entire extended family again? What if their mother was raised in an abusive environment where girls are deprived of an education? And why do we focus so much on the failures of mothers in situations like these, when the entire situation is due to catastrophic failures of a father?
I wish there was more dialogue about how we can protect our daughters from Anna Duggar’s situation, including conversations about how dangerous it is to limit girls’ education.
Also, I wanted to mention that if victims of domestic violence need legal assistance and can’t afford it, most law schools offer free, confidential clinics, including many schools that specifically offer programs for domestic violence victims.
Thank you for writing about this topic Claire! You hit the "nail on the head" by showing how complex making the decision to leave an abusive marriage is. Sadly, women can also be blamed for the abuse...shamed and shunned. Being in an abusive marriage can really mess with your rational brain as well as your soul. Statistics show that up to 30% of women have experienced at least one incident of intimate partner violence in her lifetime. There is no socio-economic status, ethnic background or religion that is not affected. I would like to see this topic addressed more regularly in the Catholic church and am currently working to try to make a tiny difference in my parish. There is information out there. It just isn't widely shared, and I find that few leaders want to address it, which is very frustrating. This issue is not new. It has been a problem for the history of humanity. Why so much silence? I did a little bit of math using a low-end percentage (20%) and found that just in my diocese population, there are most likely around 19,000 Catholic women experiencing intimate partner violence! I get very fired up about this because of my personal experience of reaching out for help from local parishes and receiving little to none. It is soul-killing, and I almost left the Catholic church because of it. Maybe I'm extreme, but the thought of other women losing their God-given identity and dignity because there is no one to walk with them in this darkness totally breaks my heart...and honestly, can really make me mad.
I want to share some things I have found. I hope it's okay. Maybe they will help someone. May God continue to bless you, your mind and pen. ~Kim
https://www.usccb.org/topics/marriage-and-family-life-ministries/when-i-call-help-pastoral-response-domestic-violence
https://www.catholicsforfamilypeace.org/
https://paxinfamilia.org/ (I am currently taking this training online. It is excellent! I've learned so much, especially that Pope Francis really does talk about the IPV issue and openly condemns it.)
https://www.createsoulspace.net/
https://pvm.archchicago.org/human-dignity-solidarity/domestic-violence-outreach
https://hopesgarden.com/
https://www.orderofjudith.org/resources
My great-aunt shared her experience of leaving a physically abusive marriage when she was younger. She had the opinion that "if he hits you and you don't leave, that's your fault." It hurt my heart to hear her say that, but I didn't want to "um, actually...." a woman who was a domestic abuse survivor. The info in this article lays out that it's often not that easy.
Many people who are abusive are born with either no conscience or an impaired conscience, and no amount of parental discipline or religious upbringing will give them a conscience. With no conscience there are no brakes on behavior. Having no conscience runs in families. See more about people with no consciences at my website Catholicsojourn.org.
If a woman is in an abusive relationship, she should consult with professional counselors trained specifically for survivor assistance. There often needs to be very careful planning over time to prepare for a safe exit. Leaving is a huge threat to the power structure and puts the one leaving at great risk. Those of us on the sidelines might think "just get her out now" is the knee jerk response when we see abuse. Wisdom, prudence and knowledgeable assistance are primary to SAFELY help her and not put her at greater harm.