Thanks, as always, for sharing your heart, Claire. I DID end up leaving the Catholic Church for 8 years after not being able to find the answers or community I needed. But the Eucharist called me back. And even through the crap interactions I've had since my return, the ones where I have to keep telling myself that priests are humans with flaws too, the scripture passage that stays in my heart is always "To whom shall we go?" Because I've lived that otherness and dang, it doesn't heal the wounds either. But then I'm alone with my wounds, rather than having Jesus cry with me and sit with me in the muck.
Thank you so much for sharing a piece of your story. I've lived that otherness too, mainly in college but mentally, plenty of times since. So many days where I know I'm Catholic but I certainly don't feel that way or even wish I weren't. But the world has nothing to offer me no matter how many times I beg.
Yes, this is an at-times harrowing topic that I encounter often as well. My family was never going to enroll as third-order Carmelites, but we went to Mass regularly until about 2003, when I was 7, as the horrific truth about the sex abuse scandals reverberated through our Archdiocese - Boston. I vividly remember my Dad picking me up from elementary school and seeing a picture of Bishop John McCormick on the wall and how he became *enraged*. It sometimes feels impossible to explain to others how you could choose to go back to that, though I do think people have started to understand more in the past few years as the western world’s experiment with postmodernism has crumbled.
As to the deep suffering - I know the last thing you probably need right now is another book on your list, but I think you would appreciate The Brothers Karamazov. One thing I love about Dostoevsky (despite his anti-Catholicism, ironically) is how much he wrestled with darkness. He was sentenced to death at 27 and then served in a labor camp and then in exile. He met Jesus during this time but he never reached the serene trust stage of faith, he always struggled.
Brothers K is a big time investment but it’s the best attempt (in my opinion) that any human being has ever made to articulate the necessity of faith in the midst of profound suffering.
EVERYONE tells me to read this but I'm scared. I just don't feel smart enough for Russian literature haha! I think I need like a podcast or read-along group on substack or something...none of my IRL friends are able to read something like that in a book club format right now. But I need accountability and help understanding what the heck I'm reading.
Oh, Les Mis isn't that hard! It's long but it's very easy to track/understand. You just need the perseverance to get through Waterloo and the sewer systems.
I am one of the people nodding along with you. I gave birth to a daughter, our first child, on October 3rd. We found out at our 20 week ultrasound that Elizabeth's earthside life would be extremely short, and she passed during labor.
It has been a supreme experience of grief and suffering AND I have never been more thankful for faith in a Church that has a concept of redemptive suffering. Because the regular world does not know what to with this! Because "everything happens for a reason" as an explanation really falls flat when the "happening" is never meeting your live daughter who kicked you for months!
And also, I know I am already holier and closer to God than I was before this. Thanks for putting it into words better than I ever could!
I am in the phase of surrendering to Claire so this spoke to my heart. But by far my far favorite line was, “Was it the cussing?” Who among us hasn’t gone there? XO
the Eucharist is real. Sometimes that is the only thing keeping me in the church…two weekends ago I finally had enough of our pastor starting off every homily with a joke in which the punchline is men hate marriage and are miserable and would be so much happier if they weren’t married. He is the fucking rector of the cathedral. When I asked him after why every homily has marriage as the punchline, he responded with “marriage isn’t always the butt of the joke.” Well Monsignor, I hope you enjoy you lawyer technicality bullshit there bc I am never giving another dime to your parish ever again (I tithe do a different parish where I spend most of my Sundays)
Claire, so much of what you write resonates deep in my heart. I have been deep in suffering inflicted by other Catholics "doing the Lord's work" and I almost left Christianity altogether then, but, like St. Peter after so many had left, "To whom else shall we go? You have the words of eternal life." I loved your image of God sitting in the shit with you and looking up at the stars. In the midst of this particular trial, my common cry to Jesus was, "I know this breaks your heart too." It carried me through to the other side. Plus, I think I was just too stubborn to let this person be the reason I left the Church I loved so much. I could not let them win!
Sorry to be nitpicky when this is such a beautiful article, but I assume “And Simon Peter answered gave him by testifying to the reason for his hope” should be “And Simon Peter answered him by testifying to the reason for his hope”
So I have been reading you free for-ev-er (Sandlot reference) and I just couldn't do it anymore. What you write speaks to me and shame on me for not subscribing sooner. The family I grew up in was not religious and I became Catholic late in my 20's. I love being Catholic, except when I don't, so the struggle is real and I appreciate that you witness that for us silent types.
Thank you for all of this, but especially the Elizabeth Lev book. I love her other books (including Roman Pilgrimage, which I highly recommend for Lent) but somehow I missed this one on St Joseph. What a gift!
Thanks, as always, for sharing your heart, Claire. I DID end up leaving the Catholic Church for 8 years after not being able to find the answers or community I needed. But the Eucharist called me back. And even through the crap interactions I've had since my return, the ones where I have to keep telling myself that priests are humans with flaws too, the scripture passage that stays in my heart is always "To whom shall we go?" Because I've lived that otherness and dang, it doesn't heal the wounds either. But then I'm alone with my wounds, rather than having Jesus cry with me and sit with me in the muck.
Thank you so much for sharing a piece of your story. I've lived that otherness too, mainly in college but mentally, plenty of times since. So many days where I know I'm Catholic but I certainly don't feel that way or even wish I weren't. But the world has nothing to offer me no matter how many times I beg.
Yes, this is an at-times harrowing topic that I encounter often as well. My family was never going to enroll as third-order Carmelites, but we went to Mass regularly until about 2003, when I was 7, as the horrific truth about the sex abuse scandals reverberated through our Archdiocese - Boston. I vividly remember my Dad picking me up from elementary school and seeing a picture of Bishop John McCormick on the wall and how he became *enraged*. It sometimes feels impossible to explain to others how you could choose to go back to that, though I do think people have started to understand more in the past few years as the western world’s experiment with postmodernism has crumbled.
As to the deep suffering - I know the last thing you probably need right now is another book on your list, but I think you would appreciate The Brothers Karamazov. One thing I love about Dostoevsky (despite his anti-Catholicism, ironically) is how much he wrestled with darkness. He was sentenced to death at 27 and then served in a labor camp and then in exile. He met Jesus during this time but he never reached the serene trust stage of faith, he always struggled.
Brothers K is a big time investment but it’s the best attempt (in my opinion) that any human being has ever made to articulate the necessity of faith in the midst of profound suffering.
EVERYONE tells me to read this but I'm scared. I just don't feel smart enough for Russian literature haha! I think I need like a podcast or read-along group on substack or something...none of my IRL friends are able to read something like that in a book club format right now. But I need accountability and help understanding what the heck I'm reading.
Honestly I would bet Les Mis is more difficult although I haven’t tackled that one yet so I’m not sure 😂
Oh, Les Mis isn't that hard! It's long but it's very easy to track/understand. You just need the perseverance to get through Waterloo and the sewer systems.
Claire, this is so well written!
I am one of the people nodding along with you. I gave birth to a daughter, our first child, on October 3rd. We found out at our 20 week ultrasound that Elizabeth's earthside life would be extremely short, and she passed during labor.
It has been a supreme experience of grief and suffering AND I have never been more thankful for faith in a Church that has a concept of redemptive suffering. Because the regular world does not know what to with this! Because "everything happens for a reason" as an explanation really falls flat when the "happening" is never meeting your live daughter who kicked you for months!
And also, I know I am already holier and closer to God than I was before this. Thanks for putting it into words better than I ever could!
I am in the phase of surrendering to Claire so this spoke to my heart. But by far my far favorite line was, “Was it the cussing?” Who among us hasn’t gone there? XO
“Was it the cussing?” Is a 10/10 line and so relatable
The emails I get, y'all...some of you guys do NOT appreciate swear words 😂
Like WHO has the authority to say fuck is a bad word?? No one. It’s just a word.
“I love Jesus but I cuss a little” is pretty much my MO, so I don’t mind!
Oh shoot I meant too not to. I’m not surrendering to you Claire, lol!!
the Eucharist is real. Sometimes that is the only thing keeping me in the church…two weekends ago I finally had enough of our pastor starting off every homily with a joke in which the punchline is men hate marriage and are miserable and would be so much happier if they weren’t married. He is the fucking rector of the cathedral. When I asked him after why every homily has marriage as the punchline, he responded with “marriage isn’t always the butt of the joke.” Well Monsignor, I hope you enjoy you lawyer technicality bullshit there bc I am never giving another dime to your parish ever again (I tithe do a different parish where I spend most of my Sundays)
Nodding along with you. What a WORD.
Claire, so much of what you write resonates deep in my heart. I have been deep in suffering inflicted by other Catholics "doing the Lord's work" and I almost left Christianity altogether then, but, like St. Peter after so many had left, "To whom else shall we go? You have the words of eternal life." I loved your image of God sitting in the shit with you and looking up at the stars. In the midst of this particular trial, my common cry to Jesus was, "I know this breaks your heart too." It carried me through to the other side. Plus, I think I was just too stubborn to let this person be the reason I left the Church I loved so much. I could not let them win!
Sorry to be nitpicky when this is such a beautiful article, but I assume “And Simon Peter answered gave him by testifying to the reason for his hope” should be “And Simon Peter answered him by testifying to the reason for his hope”
I have struggled and dragged myself to Mass and haven’t regretted going. But man, the crisis of faith is so hard.
So I have been reading you free for-ev-er (Sandlot reference) and I just couldn't do it anymore. What you write speaks to me and shame on me for not subscribing sooner. The family I grew up in was not religious and I became Catholic late in my 20's. I love being Catholic, except when I don't, so the struggle is real and I appreciate that you witness that for us silent types.
Oh, man--no shame at all. I read SO many substacks for free. Thank you so much for being here!
Thank you for all of this, but especially the Elizabeth Lev book. I love her other books (including Roman Pilgrimage, which I highly recommend for Lent) but somehow I missed this one on St Joseph. What a gift!
I just stumbled upon it in a Catholic bookstore! It's incredible if you have a St. Joseph devotion!
AMEN!
❤️❤️🙏🏻🙏🏻