How Priests Can Be Allies to Mothers
a Dear Father, as we approach Mother's Day
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Next weekend, priests all over the country will ask the moms to stand. We’ll all raise our right hands as he blesses them, praying that they may be strengthened for their difficult tasks and giving thanks for their gift of motherhood. Some churches will hand out roses; some will draw comparisons to Mary during the homily; the luckiest among us will be treated to a mimosa-and-brunch situation afterwards while trying to keep in mind those who are deeply suffering on Mother’s Day (the infertile, the single moms, or the ones who have broken relationships with their own mothers).
Read more: Honest Prayers for Mothers
Those blessings are appreciated and I do love a good Mother’s Day blessing. But today, I thought I’d take a moment to address the fathers among us.
Believe it or not, this rambunctious little newsletter has over 15,000 subscribers at this point, and I’ve heard from more than a few priests that these letters have helped them better accompany the women in their parish. That’s such a gift to hear, and I’m honored! And although we so appreciate all of the complications and complexities of men of the cloth, I need to tell you something.
There are a few very small tweaks you could give to parish life that would make life obscenely easier for mothers.
They are things that require no money, no stressful committee decisions, no volunteers, and no stress. They are not new rooms in the church, or massive new initiatives. They are truly teensy tiny adjustments that can make Catholic life a lot more bearable for those among us trying to raise little saints. If you’re open—which, you’re here, so I’m guessing you are—I thought I’d share them today1. (And if you want to share this with your own priest, go right ahead! This is a free letter today! ;) )
Be on time.
I completely understand that priests are very, very busy. One of our dear friends is a pastor and his schedule is so bananas we have to schedule hang outs with him literal months in advance. I truly get that you have things on your shoulders I will never understand, and that you are working way more than an average work week.
And also.
If you are 30 minutes late to confession, I need you to know that it was very hard for me to get there. I had to either keep kids quiet in the pew that whole time, or coordinate with my husband to be able to be solo for a while. Or if my husband’s there there, vice-versa—I am at home, with children I cared for all week, and they are waiting for their dad to get home so we can spend time together. If you’re late to Mass, I need you to know that I somehow wrangled all of these children into the car in clothes that aren’t sports jerseys2, and that it was nothing short of a minor miracle that we got here before you walked down the aisle. It is an immense amount of effort for moms to be on time places, and yet we still do it (for the most part! Accidents and surprises totally happen, for both of us!) So if you’re regularly late, just please keep in mind that we are moving mountains to be somewhere on time and it would be so appreciated if you could consider that when having to implement hard stops on meetings. We don’t need another women’s speaker series, we literally just need you to stick to the schedule on the church website.
Keep your homilies short.
Most moms will tell you that homilies are the hardest part of Mass. Most of the time, homilies aren’t directed at kids, which is perfectly fine, but it makes it so hard for little ones to sit still. Look, Pope Francis gave the 10 minute rule, not me. Take it up with Papa.
If it’s going to be a longer Mass (think Palm Sunday, where the Gospel is 7 million years long, or a holiday where communion is going to take ages) consider keeping it even shorter. It’s not that you don’t have great wisdom to share, it’s that we literally can’t hear it when 5-year-olds and 3-year-olds are arguing over who touched whose missal and are pretending the palms are light sabers. If you feel like you have more great thoughts that can’t be kept to 10 minutes, start a podcast (but only if—see above—you have the time).
Related: announcements, guys. Announcements. I know you have things that need to be shared, and I know everyone is going to complain about them no matter what. My best suggestion is to put them at the beginning of Mass. Yup—right at 10:00 or whatever, right before the priest walks down the aisle, do a quick announcements session. The kids are not juuuust about to lose it, and we’re not yet daydreaming about doughnuts. And you do not need to read off all of the mass times for Holy Week; just put those on the website and direct people there.
Thank moms for bringing their kids to church—often.
I used to be in the habit of regularly going to confession with a priest who thanked me for bringing my baby, every single time. Now that baby isn’t a baby, so I don’t bring her, but it really did mean a lot to me to get a quick, 4-second acknowledgement of “I’m so glad you prioritized the sacraments today and also exposed your daughter to them.” Or at Mass, if you have a rowdy, rambunctious parish, giving a simple “thanks to all of the parents who brought their kids today” before the blessing can really show those who might be *less than pleased* with the noise that if the church ain’t crying, it’s dying.
One time after an exceptionally loud Mass, our pastor told the entire congregation, “look, if crying kids at Mass bug you, this is not the right parish for you and you’ll need to go elsewhere.” I really can’t describe how seen that made me feel. It was more than “welcome”—it was “I truly want your family here.”
Look—we’re all trying our best.
It would be easy for someone to read this and sniff out that maybe moms need to do a better job controlling their little heathens, or that the cry rooms are there for a reason, or that we can’t possibly understand a priest’s hectic life and schedule.
For the first two, it is my job to teach my kids to behave in church. But as a human, and a sheep, I am trying to explain to another human something they could do to help me with that task. It takes a village, etc. My kids are part of your parish, and you should be very, very happy about that fact. I doubt any priest looks into the pews, sees only grandparents, and thinks thank God for this thriving flock. I will do my absolute best to keep ‘em quiet, and I will utilize that cry room with zero shame if they’re totally losing it.
And for the latter—that laypeople already put too much pressure on priests and don’t understand how bonkers their lives are—you’re right. I’m sure I don’t. But if there’s ways I can help you, I’m all ears. I really do think two groups of people with different needs and tasks can help one another thrive. It’s basic humanity, folks. I see you, I care about you, and I want to be a gift to you.
That’s all most of us moms really want to hear.
On My Nightstand
Dear Writer by Maggie Smith: Maggie Smith has been one of my favorite writers for years. I loved this short, easy-to-read book on the craft of writing. It basically serves as a pep talk with short creative exercises throughout.
The Right Has Forgotten Feeling: Could’ve stood up + cheered when I read this. “Christians wonder why young women aren’t going to church, and conservatives ask where all the good women have gone, but I don’t see much listening. Not sincerely. Few try to understand what young women might be searching for in therapy culture, finding in liberal feminism, hearing from the left—what needs are being met that aren’t met elsewhere. Don’t we see that this world offers them no other sanctuary? Don’t we see that many young women haven’t ‘abandoned’ faith, haven’t turned their backs on the sacred, but were born into a world already desecrated? That they haven’t forgotten their worth but were never taught it? And the cruelty is that this caricature of the modern woman—this callous, calculated, emotionally detached ‘girlboss’—seems to me very often a defence mechanism, a heart hardened to cope with how cold the world is.”
The Myth that Parents Are Letting Daycare Raise Their Kids: Another thoughtful take with lots of research from
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In case you missed these Letters:
Bonjour! Want to join us in France?
In October 2025, I’m leading a pilgrimage to the south of France: the Way of Mary Magdalene. We’ll be traveling to Saint-Maximin-la-Sainte-Baume, where the remains of St. Mary Magdalene are, as well as other sites associated with women in the gospels. We’re also sipping wine, visiting Cannes, wandering Aix-en-Provence, and so much more. This isn’t a vacation, mission trip, or retreat, but a true pilgrimage, where we’ll journey together and grow in our faith. Sign up today to join us-very limited spots remain.
My friend Shannon + I have long joked about starting a podcast called Ministry Rescue where people call in and leave voicemails about their ministry problems and we discuss them. She would be the Chris Traeger and I would be the Ben Wyatt. So let me just lean into that fantasy a bit here.
And sometimes are sports jerseys, because we are rushing to a soccer tournament afterwards. And literally nobody dies because of what your children wear to Mass. Okay! Moving on!
Thank you priests! I will just tack on, to me there is no reason for regular Sunday Mass to go for an hour and fifteen minutes. Is the choir going long? Are there not enough Eucharistic ministers? Are you waiting three minutes after the opening hymn has started to walk down the aisle? Should we be fine with dedicating our whole Sunday including a three hour Mass to the Lord? Yes, but we are fallen humans, and for me personally (no kids) it is hard to stay engaged in the Mass and actively participate when it goes an hour and 15 min+. It’s not necessarily how long it is taking overall, but that is usually an indicator that there is a lack of rhythm and flow that is engaging.
My Parish has a new-ish pastor - finishing out his 3rd year. He came when our former pastor retired after 21 years. Yes, 21! To make life easier on him as he got older, the activities and pastoral engagement declined. However, you could always count on a QUICK mass. With the arrival of our new pastor, the parish is becoming what I had experienced as a youth. A parish family could find all of their weekly activities, if they so chose, based at the parish because we now have a large offering with more to come. I always joke when others ask about the "new pastor" that when he moves parishes, he needs to arrive at the new parish with neck braces because his energy and the speed with which he implements changes causes whiplash. Our pastor came from a primarily black parish and that community did church differently. They expected a more theatrical production and LONG homilies followed by fellowship after mass. Not wrong, just different. It was an adjustment for our pastor to tone it down after the more than a decade serving his former, and very different, parish.
This newsletter seems to be following Day 126 of the CIAY. Brava!👏